For the present

   This is not a look into my past but once again a break and a look at what is going on in my present. This year has been rough, the worst I have had in a long time, and the closing of it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. So far this week I have once again been sick, Nana and Paw found out their house is definitely being sold and some guy from prudential realty is coming Friday to discuss the details, and today the news was dropped on the family that paws brother in law has only one to two weeks to live.

                 However tonight, for the first time in a long time, I went to church. And no it didn't burn down when I walked inside as I'm sure most of you are wondering. Anyways I went and what the pastor read was awesome and it was as if he knew I was coming and spoke directly to me. Now I am not sitting here saying holy crap everything is ok now, everything has changed nothing bad will ever happen or I will never be the same person I have been, just because I went, but I am saying that the message made me realize there were things in my life I needed to let go of and things I just needed to accept. And it helped, it really did. I am also saying that in this little omg moment that I did have I was hit with the realization that the saying that is repeated to me all the time, which is "everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for you", is truer than I used to want to believe. Just the fact that I went tonight and the words that came from the pastors mouth spoke right to my heart is a clear sign of that. This is also not me trying to preach just me simply explaining an amazing moment I had amidst all of the shitty things that keep happening.
              After church I went to see paws brother in law, aka uncle Jeff, and it was hard to say the least. I have been away for so long and when I finally come back death starts taking it's toll on family members, and it sucks hairy donkey dick. What also sucks is when you look into the face of a dying person you have to face reality in that instant. Now I by no means have ever hidden from that fact that I will die one day and will never know what day that will be, but the horrifying truth that haunts me is how.  How will I face my end? Where will I face my end? And even who will be there to see me go, if anyone? No fucking answers for these, and no good damn way to put a front on to say "yea I'm okay with it and I'm ready." I truly hope for something quick, especially when I stood in that house and saw the life already drained from him, his body wrecked with pain, and his eyes glassy. No one wants or deserves to have to lye in a bed and have their loved ones watch them dissipate into a nothingness corpse, but that is exactly the fucked up thing that could be waiting for me, waiting for anyone, and it scares the shit out of me.
              Besides death and how it will come, the other thing that bothers me is seeing my nana and paw and everyone in their house, have to move. Why is this such a sad thing or an upsetting thing? Well because since I was a baby this is really the only house I, well all the grandkids, have ever called home, although there was the very short time in Missouri, but besides that this has been it. To possibly see someone else live here, or to see the house demolished to make room for something else is gut wrenching. All our child hood memories live in this house, all the family picnics, every fight, each birthday party, home cooked meals, holiday dinners and celebrations, our families life is here and will stick with house. Nothing about saying goodbye to this place will be easy.
                   
                        All I have left to say is everything does happen for a reason and till next time yall!!