chp3

     Alrighty then let us kick this into high gear and start rolling.

     I went to bed that night with, with a completely blank mind. It was if there were so many thoughts i needed to process, that in the moment my mind just shut down and told me to go hell. What had i done? Who the hell am i? What kind of person does something that sick? The answers were no where to be found that night, nore anytime soon after. There was also a very obvious conclusion i came to very quickly and that was the two reasons i couldn't and wouldn't be able to hide the ultimate betrayal i had just committed. Those two reasons, one was because no matter what i always find ways to tell on myself for doing something really wrong, and two i now had a humongous hickey on my neck. I knew whatever i did or said would never make this go away or make it any better,but i knew that anything i did or said could make it worse. I was drowning and was no where close to surfacing.
    
    The next day seemed as though i was living in slow motion, but my body was in high speed. My heart pounded all day, my palms were constantly sweaty, and i felt like just avoiding everyone, but i knew if i avoided everyone they would start asking what's wrong and nothing good would come of it, i was not in a good spot at all. So i went against the "i'm going to avoid everyone" and went right for "i'm going to go talk to my cousin". Conversation was going fine and she hadn't noticed what was on my neck, although back then i also had long hair so it made it a tad easier to hide, and i stayed relatively calm until i myself pointed out the mark on my neck. I didn't point it out as the mark it really was but a mark i got in rehab, a mark i got from my girlfriend. It would have passed by her and it would have been good except the very next second she called her mom into the room and made her look at my neck and starts telling her what it was from. When my cousin finally got done showing and telling my massive hickey to her mom, that's when the true facts started to come out. See my aunt has this cray weird ability to remember the smallest most unimportant facts, shit that no one else, not even yourself, can recall. She recalled that just a few days before, when she had picked me up from rehab i had my hair up away from my neck. Now see i also told sarah i had a lot of make-up on to cover the hickey,but my aunt and her cray ability cracked that lie wide open as well because she also recalled i had zero make-up on that day.I still ask myself "how do you not remember if yuo actually wore make-up or not?" So i confessed to everything and told them what really happened and where the hickey came from. After i got through talking and i watched my cousin break down in tears and my aunt break out in rage, i was just waiting on sir executioner to come strolling through the door. 

     Once everyone that was involved in the act was cornered, questioned and put to shame silence fell for awhile, like the calm before the storm, except the storm that followed was not quick and swift, it was long and drawn out. There had even been a family meeting about the incident,paw was the ring leader and it wasn't pretty, you could cut the tension with a knife and you could practicaly smell fear and unworthiness pooring off me and her husband. After that little meeting I actually avoided my cousin for awhile, until one night i decided that i would just talk to her because i couldn't take not having my best friend to talk to anymore and all i wanted to do was fight to have our relationship back. I wasn't sure what i would say or how i would say it, i just knew i wanted to talk to her,try to make something, anything better, maybe even help myself along with her understand the reasoning behind it.  I was also preparing my body for the worst pain i would feel, and the last pain i would ever feel, which would be her murdering me where i stood. So after a few really deep breaths and a self pep talk, i went to her. I stood in front of the woman I had destroyed just days before and poored my heart and mind out to her. I expected total silence and a shunning from her, never once did it cross my mind i would hear the words "Mandie it's ok i forgive you". 

    Now it may seem like this event passed quickly and everything was instantly resolved, but by no means was that the case. There were days that it seemed i was totally blocked out and on my own, but i understood and it was extremely expected. Then there were also the days i couldn't get far enough away from everyones  microscopes they had on me and their side comments to keep salt on open wounds, it was a never ending circle. Still to this day i have a dagger drove into these wounds and twisted a little, and honestly not even by who you'd think it would be by, but by everyone else. 

     

  I want to say sorry right now because writing this has made me very, just lost for words and i don't know how to continue at this point so I'm going to bring this to a close. And yes i realize plenty of you are probably saying "you dumb bitch how are you lost for words, you fucking did it?" Well some memories, some actions still get me when i sit back and think on them and still hurt as bad as they did when it happened. So

till next time