another poem ( promise i'll continue soon )

My Knight in a Tan Coat

My heart was a vacant space
Searching for adoration.
My mind was weary
Deliberating an eternity of singularity.

My bed stayed cold
An empty valley laid out beside me.
My nights were hush
The blood flow through veins as deafening as rivers.

His picture was radiating 
True love at first sight.
His eyes were welcoming
A fervent pool to fall into.

His kisses unimaginably soft
Such as cashmere against skin.
His support unwavering
Like that of a Guardian Angels.

My search for adoration now over
No eternity of singularity.
My bed now warm and inviting.
My nights now filled with whispers.

This all possible upon his arrival
A saving grace to a vacant heart.
This all possible due to his presence
A weary mind set to rest.

He is my Knight 
In a tan coat.

Another poem im in the poetry mood :)

OUR LAST CHRISTMAS

The front door was now open to ruins
Never have i seen a winter wonderland riddled with such destruction
The Oder that filled the sky was the foul mix of death, sickness, and fear.
The screams were those of pleading souls and that of an unimaginable creature once known as a man.
The things I considered neighbors and friends, yesterday, now soulless, ignorant, black pits of murderous minds.
The eve of Christmas a mere twenty-four hours passed, now was broke into a day of Christ slathered in decaying flesh and blood.
My doorway was seeping the last smells of Christmas that seemed to exist.
The warm scent of peppermint, pine needles, and what now looked possibly like our last supper.
The bolt slammed shut, for now the outside world was miles away.
I now stood with unwanted knowledge of our fate, inevitable endings for each of us.
I raise my voice in with happy song, pushing horrific thoughts to the back.
Let us enjoy this moment.
Let us keep the door closed to ruins.
Let us forget our soon to come end.
Our last Christmas.

poem after being gone so long!!

BLACK HOLE

In this orifice darkness is no woe.
Emptiness is no disturbance.
noiselessness is no annoyance.
But loneliness is an executioner.

Loneliness calls this dwelling home.
Takes claim to bodies that fall to it.
Shows welcoming arms.
offers no comfort.

Loneliness loans time to ponder self worthiness.
Yet offers no reconciliation with ones self.

Darkness is no woe.
Emptiness is no disturbance.
Noiselessness is no annoyance.
Loneliness is an executioner

.

Clarifying

    Ok so per request of a Facebook friend I am going to clarify a few details i may have missed so far in my little story.

    The biggest thing i will start with is the reason my aunt ended up with custody of me and not anyone else in my family. She was there for me almost from the begining, at a year old i attatched myself to her hip and still have yet to detach. She was there for my sister from the day she was born, while my mom dealt with her own mental problems after my sister was born premature and stuck in the NICU, my aunt was the one to go see her everyday and care for her. She had been a major player in my life so for her to get me was a no brainer. 
     Second thing i will clarify about my life, when i explain that my homes that i lived in with my parents were filthy, i dont mean this kind of filthy

I mean this kind of filthy

And this kind of filthy

So when i talk about being happy i was in a clean house, believe me when i say i was happy beyond words.

I would like to also add some photos to help give faces to names

Tara and Me

Sarah

Aunt Heather 

Mom and Me

Now this is not all of my family but this gives you an idea of people i have mentioned so far in my tellings. I can and will upload more when time comes or if anyone asks for pictures, I am always up for suggestions and request :)

Till next time yall

oh yea and just me!!!

For the present

   This is not a look into my past but once again a break and a look at what is going on in my present. This year has been rough, the worst I have had in a long time, and the closing of it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. So far this week I have once again been sick, Nana and Paw found out their house is definitely being sold and some guy from prudential realty is coming Friday to discuss the details, and today the news was dropped on the family that paws brother in law has only one to two weeks to live.

                 However tonight, for the first time in a long time, I went to church. And no it didn't burn down when I walked inside as I'm sure most of you are wondering. Anyways I went and what the pastor read was awesome and it was as if he knew I was coming and spoke directly to me. Now I am not sitting here saying holy crap everything is ok now, everything has changed nothing bad will ever happen or I will never be the same person I have been, just because I went, but I am saying that the message made me realize there were things in my life I needed to let go of and things I just needed to accept. And it helped, it really did. I am also saying that in this little omg moment that I did have I was hit with the realization that the saying that is repeated to me all the time, which is "everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for you", is truer than I used to want to believe. Just the fact that I went tonight and the words that came from the pastors mouth spoke right to my heart is a clear sign of that. This is also not me trying to preach just me simply explaining an amazing moment I had amidst all of the shitty things that keep happening.
              After church I went to see paws brother in law, aka uncle Jeff, and it was hard to say the least. I have been away for so long and when I finally come back death starts taking it's toll on family members, and it sucks hairy donkey dick. What also sucks is when you look into the face of a dying person you have to face reality in that instant. Now I by no means have ever hidden from that fact that I will die one day and will never know what day that will be, but the horrifying truth that haunts me is how.  How will I face my end? Where will I face my end? And even who will be there to see me go, if anyone? No fucking answers for these, and no good damn way to put a front on to say "yea I'm okay with it and I'm ready." I truly hope for something quick, especially when I stood in that house and saw the life already drained from him, his body wrecked with pain, and his eyes glassy. No one wants or deserves to have to lye in a bed and have their loved ones watch them dissipate into a nothingness corpse, but that is exactly the fucked up thing that could be waiting for me, waiting for anyone, and it scares the shit out of me.
              Besides death and how it will come, the other thing that bothers me is seeing my nana and paw and everyone in their house, have to move. Why is this such a sad thing or an upsetting thing? Well because since I was a baby this is really the only house I, well all the grandkids, have ever called home, although there was the very short time in Missouri, but besides that this has been it. To possibly see someone else live here, or to see the house demolished to make room for something else is gut wrenching. All our child hood memories live in this house, all the family picnics, every fight, each birthday party, home cooked meals, holiday dinners and celebrations, our families life is here and will stick with house. Nothing about saying goodbye to this place will be easy.
                   
                        All I have left to say is everything does happen for a reason and till next time yall!!

chp3

     Alrighty then let us kick this into high gear and start rolling.

     I went to bed that night with, with a completely blank mind. It was if there were so many thoughts i needed to process, that in the moment my mind just shut down and told me to go hell. What had i done? Who the hell am i? What kind of person does something that sick? The answers were no where to be found that night, nore anytime soon after. There was also a very obvious conclusion i came to very quickly and that was the two reasons i couldn't and wouldn't be able to hide the ultimate betrayal i had just committed. Those two reasons, one was because no matter what i always find ways to tell on myself for doing something really wrong, and two i now had a humongous hickey on my neck. I knew whatever i did or said would never make this go away or make it any better,but i knew that anything i did or said could make it worse. I was drowning and was no where close to surfacing.
    
    The next day seemed as though i was living in slow motion, but my body was in high speed. My heart pounded all day, my palms were constantly sweaty, and i felt like just avoiding everyone, but i knew if i avoided everyone they would start asking what's wrong and nothing good would come of it, i was not in a good spot at all. So i went against the "i'm going to avoid everyone" and went right for "i'm going to go talk to my cousin". Conversation was going fine and she hadn't noticed what was on my neck, although back then i also had long hair so it made it a tad easier to hide, and i stayed relatively calm until i myself pointed out the mark on my neck. I didn't point it out as the mark it really was but a mark i got in rehab, a mark i got from my girlfriend. It would have passed by her and it would have been good except the very next second she called her mom into the room and made her look at my neck and starts telling her what it was from. When my cousin finally got done showing and telling my massive hickey to her mom, that's when the true facts started to come out. See my aunt has this cray weird ability to remember the smallest most unimportant facts, shit that no one else, not even yourself, can recall. She recalled that just a few days before, when she had picked me up from rehab i had my hair up away from my neck. Now see i also told sarah i had a lot of make-up on to cover the hickey,but my aunt and her cray ability cracked that lie wide open as well because she also recalled i had zero make-up on that day.I still ask myself "how do you not remember if yuo actually wore make-up or not?" So i confessed to everything and told them what really happened and where the hickey came from. After i got through talking and i watched my cousin break down in tears and my aunt break out in rage, i was just waiting on sir executioner to come strolling through the door. 

     Once everyone that was involved in the act was cornered, questioned and put to shame silence fell for awhile, like the calm before the storm, except the storm that followed was not quick and swift, it was long and drawn out. There had even been a family meeting about the incident,paw was the ring leader and it wasn't pretty, you could cut the tension with a knife and you could practicaly smell fear and unworthiness pooring off me and her husband. After that little meeting I actually avoided my cousin for awhile, until one night i decided that i would just talk to her because i couldn't take not having my best friend to talk to anymore and all i wanted to do was fight to have our relationship back. I wasn't sure what i would say or how i would say it, i just knew i wanted to talk to her,try to make something, anything better, maybe even help myself along with her understand the reasoning behind it.  I was also preparing my body for the worst pain i would feel, and the last pain i would ever feel, which would be her murdering me where i stood. So after a few really deep breaths and a self pep talk, i went to her. I stood in front of the woman I had destroyed just days before and poored my heart and mind out to her. I expected total silence and a shunning from her, never once did it cross my mind i would hear the words "Mandie it's ok i forgive you". 

    Now it may seem like this event passed quickly and everything was instantly resolved, but by no means was that the case. There were days that it seemed i was totally blocked out and on my own, but i understood and it was extremely expected. Then there were also the days i couldn't get far enough away from everyones  microscopes they had on me and their side comments to keep salt on open wounds, it was a never ending circle. Still to this day i have a dagger drove into these wounds and twisted a little, and honestly not even by who you'd think it would be by, but by everyone else. 

     

  I want to say sorry right now because writing this has made me very, just lost for words and i don't know how to continue at this point so I'm going to bring this to a close. And yes i realize plenty of you are probably saying "you dumb bitch how are you lost for words, you fucking did it?" Well some memories, some actions still get me when i sit back and think on them and still hurt as bad as they did when it happened. So

till next time 

sorry yall

    I just want to say sorry for the post earlier today. It was an awful writing on my part, and honestly should never have been posted. I am just going to blame it on me being sick and kinda of out of my mind. I promise i shall try to do better tomorrow. Hopefully i can also improve my normal writing skills and really make my emotions through those times show through. 

till next time yall!!